His name was “Tom”. It was supposed to be a standard OkCupid date… drinks, hanging out, enjoying the night. Never did I think that by the end of this date I would be saying, “this one is different”. He was sitting at the bar with his back to me, I came up behind him, embraced him on the small of his back and said hello. Immediate butterflies. We chatted outside enjoying the sunshine, which is when I knew, oh man.. I like this one. I was stammering over my words.. I could hear the shaking in my voice. I clear my throat and take a drink of my beer hoping to calm my nerves.
We walk around town and pop into different bars around the eclectic area. The conversation was so free-flowing and easy. As if we had known each other for years. We’re listening to live karaoke when it just happens… we kiss and my god… I almost fell weak to my fat little knees. He invites me to come back with him. I decline. I really like this one.
The next week was a blur. We hung out almost every day. He was like a high I never wanted to come down from. It was the most incredible feeling knowing we had such a strong connection. Not like, a creepy ass, I want kids with you right away you’re the one connection, just a normal, funny, sarcastic easy connection. I was smitten. However, I kept my guard up because over the course of the week, he had mentioned his ex girlfriend’s name a couple of times every time we hung out. So, I knew, either he’s over it and feels comfortable using her name so much because he’s so over it, or he was still harboring sadness about her after she left him so abruptly. As the days went on, it became more and more glaring to me that he wasn’t over his ex. So, it was either address it with him and run the risk of pushing him away or just let it go and hope it subsides. Deep down, I knew what I had to do.
Me: “Listen, you’ve only been single for 2 months and your ex left you high and dry. I get that. It’s become glaring that you’re not over it. And that’s okay, but just be honest about that.”
Tom: “You’re totally spot on. Everything you said makes sense. You’re right… I’m nowhere near over this and have no idea when I will be.”
I can hear my heart actually crushing in on itself. My sadness washes over me like a wave to a beach… hope flooding in and quickly rushing out to sea. He slept over that night because we had been drinking. We didn’t have sex… it didn’t feel right to me to sleep with someone who was so clearly thinking about someone else.
The next morning we laid in bed and talked about what this means now. He was so frustrated that he wasn’t over his ex; it was physically making him mad. He was clenching his fists and thrusting them to his head in anger. He apologized for making it seem like he was ready for anything serious. I couldn’t blame him. When you’re jilted, you want to pick up the pieces as quickly as possible and move along your way, just to prove a point that you’re fine. But, you’re not. I told him I had been there before. I was in his position a year ago when my ex dumped me and started dating someone 2 weeks after we last hooked up. I completely understood, but my heart was screaming out in pain. I suggested that he take a break from dating/dating apps and focus on himself for a while. I walked him downstairs and kissed him goodbye knowing this would be the last time I’d probably ever see him again.
Over the next couple of weeks we stayed in touch. It was the most frustrating thing to be still in contact with the person that you want to be with but can’t. All this frustration blew up when he met me and my friend out one night. Long story short, he got a notification on his phone from Tinder which made me so furious that he wasn’t really taking a break from dating at all… it was the exact opposite. Looking to fill a void. I have not seen him since that day, about a month ago.
I’ll admit, I’ve drunk texted him a couple of times… my heart told me to do it. I was having a hard time letting go. Letting go of what could’ve been. Letting go of what will most likely never be. I’ve been keeping myself busy with work travel and immersing myself in that, but at the end of the day, it’s hard to think about, what is all of this for? Who am I doing this for? (besides my cat).
So for now, we’re two ships passing in the night. Who knows if our paths will ever cross again. Mostly likely not. I hold fond memories of you, Tom. I hope that you know that.