"You moved here from Chicago?! Why?!" I'm constantly asked that question by people here in Cincinnati. They are in such shock when I tell them I used to live downtown Chicago for the last four years. It's like - it doesn't compute with them. The short answer I give is, "It was a better move for me all around." But, let me tell you the real reasons why I moved here from Chicago.
Sure, I was dating someone here in Cincinnati at the time and thought it would work out, but in hindsight, that wasn't the main reason I moved here after all. After reflecting on myself for the past five months, I have been able to understand why I needed to get out of Chicago. I had become a shell of who I used to be. A strong, independent, fun, self-aware person. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and just think, "who is that?" I no longer felt comfortable being alone and constantly searching for love in all the wrong places.
It all kind of started when my ex started dating someone else after he has said he didn't have time to date anyone while trying to further his career. This is all after two years of hooking up back and forth. And not only that, he told me that he liked dating her because she was a virgin, and loved that about her and wished that I would've been a virgin. Which, just, made me feel like a pile of dog shit. And I'm sorry, but how hypocritical? You enjoyed hooking up with me, but now that you had sex with a virgin, you made me feel like shit because I wasn't one? Not cool, dude.
Then, one by one, the guys that I had hooked up with, started dating people and got into serious relationships. Over and over again, I was always the last person they would casually date before finding the "one" which, if you can relate, is the most empty feeling in the world. "You're a great girl, a great person and any guy would be lucky to have you, I just met someone and a relationship just happened." So, thusly, the circle of self-hatred, comparing my life to others and wondering why I wasn't good enough started. I also started to contemplate who would miss me if I died - would anyone even notice?
A part of me feels empty without my friends here. But, even then - they are getting married, starting families and living their own lives. With each wedding and each life event, I felt worse and worse about my own self. Not so much jealousy, just like, where have I gone so wrong that none of these exciting life events are even on the horizon for me? I felt like I was no longer being a good friend. I'm still trying to work on my friendships, even though I'm 400 miles away. But, I wasn't serving anyone any good in the dark place I was at. I wouldn't have wanted to be my own friend. So, to my friends - I'm sorry. I was just in a really, really bad place and probably projected a lot of my own depression and self-hatred onto you. I'm working on myself, slowly but surely, and hope to be a better friend to you.
So that's why I moved. Sure, it was great to be able to fall in love and have the prospect of a future with someone. But, what I'm realizing is that I really needed to get introduced to myself again and fall back in love with myself - someone who I grew to hate. So, I'm not back to myself 100%, but I'm definitely on the right path. I feel better than I ever have about myself. I feel more empowered and confident than I have in the last three years. I'm feeling okay with being alone and enjoying the person who looks back at me in the mirror. It's going to take some time, but I'll get there again.
Sure, I was dating someone here in Cincinnati at the time and thought it would work out, but in hindsight, that wasn't the main reason I moved here after all. After reflecting on myself for the past five months, I have been able to understand why I needed to get out of Chicago. I had become a shell of who I used to be. A strong, independent, fun, self-aware person. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and just think, "who is that?" I no longer felt comfortable being alone and constantly searching for love in all the wrong places.
It all kind of started when my ex started dating someone else after he has said he didn't have time to date anyone while trying to further his career. This is all after two years of hooking up back and forth. And not only that, he told me that he liked dating her because she was a virgin, and loved that about her and wished that I would've been a virgin. Which, just, made me feel like a pile of dog shit. And I'm sorry, but how hypocritical? You enjoyed hooking up with me, but now that you had sex with a virgin, you made me feel like shit because I wasn't one? Not cool, dude.
Then, one by one, the guys that I had hooked up with, started dating people and got into serious relationships. Over and over again, I was always the last person they would casually date before finding the "one" which, if you can relate, is the most empty feeling in the world. "You're a great girl, a great person and any guy would be lucky to have you, I just met someone and a relationship just happened." So, thusly, the circle of self-hatred, comparing my life to others and wondering why I wasn't good enough started. I also started to contemplate who would miss me if I died - would anyone even notice?
A part of me feels empty without my friends here. But, even then - they are getting married, starting families and living their own lives. With each wedding and each life event, I felt worse and worse about my own self. Not so much jealousy, just like, where have I gone so wrong that none of these exciting life events are even on the horizon for me? I felt like I was no longer being a good friend. I'm still trying to work on my friendships, even though I'm 400 miles away. But, I wasn't serving anyone any good in the dark place I was at. I wouldn't have wanted to be my own friend. So, to my friends - I'm sorry. I was just in a really, really bad place and probably projected a lot of my own depression and self-hatred onto you. I'm working on myself, slowly but surely, and hope to be a better friend to you.
So that's why I moved. Sure, it was great to be able to fall in love and have the prospect of a future with someone. But, what I'm realizing is that I really needed to get introduced to myself again and fall back in love with myself - someone who I grew to hate. So, I'm not back to myself 100%, but I'm definitely on the right path. I feel better than I ever have about myself. I feel more empowered and confident than I have in the last three years. I'm feeling okay with being alone and enjoying the person who looks back at me in the mirror. It's going to take some time, but I'll get there again.