His profile said he’s 5’6”, which for me, is really pushing it in the height department seeing how I’m 5’5”. But, we had really good chemistry with our witty banter back & forth online. So, I agreed to meet him for drinks at a local bar. Homeboy walks up and does sorta the half-wave thing and I literally turned around to see if he was waiving at someone else. There’s no WAY he was waving at me! But my doom became reality when he said “Ashley”? He looked familiar – I thought I had seen him in my Grandma’s font yard. Here in front of me was a 4’10” human garden gnome. I swear to god, if he was a newborn baby (which I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t), he would’ve been able to latch on without bending down. In fact, he’d probably have to stand on his little, bitty baby toes. It was awful – but I felt sorry for the little guy, so we carried on with our date. We get to chatting & with copious amounts of Buffalo Trace on the rocks; I almost started to think, “Okay, I can get past this whole height thing. He’s a really nice guy & means really well”. And then he stood up. Yeah… no. He walked me to the train where I sent him off with a tender little cheek kiss… I almost wanted to give him a little butterfly kiss. But, I resisted the urge. Off I went, into the night to slowly drink myself into a whiskey coma and contemplate about why someone would lie about their height… and so horribly at that.
But, sometimes it’s not just the looks that will get you. The personality is something that outwardly, you obviously just don’t know what you’re dealing with until you sit down & invest the time. Well, in this case, it was from the moment that he said, “Oh, hi Ashley, I saved us some fabulous seats here at the bar for us” in the most…. How do I explain this without pissing people off…. Effeminate voice I have ever come out of a voice box of a male. It was like 10 octaves higher than mine and girlfriend has SASS! He then proceeds to tell me about his caveman diet that he adopted recently & bragged about how many pounds he’s lost. All the while, looking at me like, “tubby, get your shit together”! He also offered me personal training sessions, which I was literally almost about to take him up on since I knew I wasn’t…. his type. After some conversation back and forth about how skinny & fabulous he was, he insisted we head down in the basement bar where it was hopping (Luckily he did, because this is now one of my favorite bars in Chicago). We get downstairs, he finishes his drink and then……. Girlfriend breaks out into a full-on jazzercise routine. It’s almost like slow motion – twirling, gliding and two-stepping. Dancing so effortlessly as he looks up to the ceiling with a clenched fist and belts out Beyonce. It was perfection. It’s 11:00 by now & usually my night’s just getting started, but I knew this was going absolutely NOWHERE. So, he walks me to the bus stop, I hurried onto the bus as he walked away, looked out the window and I swear to God, I saw him do a little shimmy. You go, girl!
Guys – stop posting pictures of yourself that were from your cousin’s Christening in 2002. Be for real. That Evanescence poster behind you in the picture isn’t fooling anyone. And when you say you’re 6 foot, be 6 foot. 5’8” doesn’t count. It’s like saying you live in Chicago when you really live in Lombard. Just stop.
Girls – Stop posting pictures of your tits for everyone to see. Nobody wants to see that, fake or not. Also, stop posting pictures of yourself when you were in college. The red cup, jean skirt and keg isn’t fooling anyone. We get it – you blew the fuck up after college, but own it & be real. Just stop.