There’s non-negotiables when you’re single and looking for someone to eventually settle down with. One of those things for me is they must have a place of residence. I know this sounds ridiculous, outlandish even. But, you’d be surprised to find out that your list of non-negotiables gets longer and longer with each date you go on.
One of the first dates that I went on after my horrific breakup in 2010 was with this guy Drew. It was literally like two months after I moved back home with my tail between my legs. I was living at my mom’s house and basically became a Basement Kid Troll for lyfe. I was feeling really down, so I ended up setting up a date with Drew to get my mind off of what my life had become. He was a really nice guy – but he was much older. I was 22 at the time and he was I think 30? So, big age difference. I wasn’t sure how it was going to play out. We went to a local bar and had a drink – we inevitably started talking about our previous relationships, which I know is a huge “no no”, but fuck it, I had nothing to lose at that point. He was really sympathetic and understood where I was coming from. At the end of the night, he actually asked me out again – holy shit, this guy is a saint. Listening to my breakup bullshit and now, asking me out again! The desperate angel on my shoulder exclaimed, “Absolutely!”
What was his idea of going out again? He invited me over to his place to “watch a movie.” We all know what this means. So, I get to his house – he lived like 30 mins from me in this quiet neighborhood in an unassuming, quaint little house. I thought, “wow, he has his own house… he must do pretty well from himself.” He greets me outside and takes my hand. He guides me to back of the house and then… leads me down this shitty set of old stairs that lead to a concrete basement. NOOOOOO. I’m a Basement Kid – I can’t date someone who’s also a Basement Kid! We’ll have babies who will eventually be Basement Kids and never leave their job at Jewel! But, this basement was worse. It was semi under construction and smelled like he took a giant dump and lit it on fire. I could barely breathe. And then he invites me to sit down on his floral-printed sofa which I’m sure he had just dumpster-dove for that day. But, somehow he had an immaculate, huge flat screen TV. Long story short, he ended up wanting to make out with me whilst he popped a giant boner in his sweatpants. So, I told him I had to go after about an hour of playing tonsil hockey and sword fighting with his giant bone. I showered immediately when I got home to rinse the poop-stained air residue off my body.
I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be too offended by his living situation considering I went out on a date with a dude that was literally homeless. Of course, I didn’t realize that until he had about five drinks and started divulging his shortcomings to me. He said he lost his job about three months prior, so he’s currently living on a couch that he found on CouchSurfing.org. I was literally amazed how he was even able to afford going on a date, and he said he lives off his $400/month unemployment check. What a winner. How did I manage to meet probably the only homeless dude on OkCupid and go on a date with him? Guess who paid for that date….