When he arrived at my doorstep, I had to do a double take. I couldn’t believe I was about to bone a dude who’s face was basically half scraped off, leaving half of his face on Milwaukee Ave. Let me back track….
I wound up on a first date with my friend Sam. Yes, I was the third wheel, but she didn’t want to go on this date alone for whatever reason. So, I agreed to go with her if she paid for one of my drinks. She assured me that this lawyer dude would be happy to pay for us. Everyone knows my luck with dudes paying for the first date, so I didn’t hold my breath. We wound up bar hopping around the neighborhood while a festival was going on. Nothing like getting shithoused during the day on a hot summer afternoon. The lawyer dude ended up paying for all of our drinks, the entire time! He was a keeper! They hit it off pretty well and we all ended up having a great time. That’s when he got the genius idea of inviting one of his friends out to join in on the drunken debauchery. He “thought we would hit it off really well”. So, he placed the call to his friend Joey. Joey was amped and couldn’t wait to meet up! He was on his way.
45 minutes go by and I’m basically oozing bourbon out of every pore. That’s when I realize it’s been 45 minutes since Lawyer Dude called his friend to meet up. Is this dude ditching me? I take Lawyer’s phone and hit the redial button. Joey answers in a very soft voice. I scream at him in a drunken stupor, “Wherrreeeyouuu? Did youuuu dissshhh me?” He replies, “I got into a bad bicycle accident and I’m in the ER right now.” I felt like a drunken douche. I said some kind of half-assed apology and said we’d meet up another time. My buzz was wearing off so I walked my drunk ass home.
About an hour into me trying to get my life back in order at home, I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize. It was Joey – he said he still wanted to come over and hang out. This dude was going to great lengths to get laid. I had to give him credit. Especially because when he showed up at my door, basically half of his face was blown off. I could barely look it him – he had a giant bandage over the right side of his face and you could legit almost see the bone in his face. Needless to say, it took a lot of courage and whiskey to bone this dude. Past all the facial bones and oozing puss, the most horrifying thing were his shoes. He was wearing strait up New Balance white dad gym shoes. I can look past the fact that your face is half blown off, but the fact that you stood in the mirror with those shoes and walked out of the house like that, I can’t get over that. We didn't end up boning afterall. Poor fella could barely keep what was left of his face on.
I got a text a couple months later not knowing it was him saying something along the lines of “I’d like to see that room again.” Uh…. Okay Chester Molester. Blocked. Immediately.
6 Comments
|