When you have been single for as long as I have, you come to realize the pool of men gets smaller and smaller, especially when you’re online dating. My girlfriends and I end up seeing the same dudes on these dating apps, and they even copy and paste the same messages to both of us. Or your friends may have met the guy before. It’s like everyone knows everyone.
I met this guy Dave online, I think through OkCupid like two summers ago. He was really cute, and really sweet to me. Our first date reminded me of something from a stupid ass Mandy Moore movie – we went and watched the fireworks downtown Chicago and then found this random park in the middle of the city where we drank beer and swung on the swings. We had a really good night and I actually looked forward to hanging out with him again. He ended up coming over a couple days later to watch a movie and hang out. After the movie, we PG-13 hooked up and he told him he really liked me. I liked him too, however, he didn’t have a car and his ass lived in Oak Park, so he was always sweating from riding his bike ride over to my apartment. I could look past the pit stains and sweaty balls – he was a nice guy.
A couple days later, I told my friend Brooke about him and she was excited for me after I had just been through a doozy of a breakup. She asked to see his profile so she could weigh in on what she thought of him. I showed her his profile picture and she looked at it with intent. Squinting her eyes, she said, “I know this dude. He came over to my house one time and blew coke off the back of my toilet and I kicked him out!” Oh my God – I was MORTIFIED! No way was my sweet little Mandy Moore dater a coke head! But alas, I confronted him about it. I called him and told him my friend Brooke knows him. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. Until I said she told me he blew coke lines off her toilet. Then he abruptly interrupted, “Well, it was nice knowing you and I hope you have a great life. Bye!” Oh, okay my little coke fiend.
It’s even worse when you and your co-workers are talking to the same dude online, which is what I discovered was happening the other day. One of my co-workers who is a religious reader of my blog asked me about any new dates. I haven’t been dating much, but I was talking to this dude on OkCupid who was a 6’5” cutie and we were on the verge of making plans to hang. I showed her his profile and she goes, “Oh yeah, he contacted me the other day too.” Fucking great – now I can never go out on a date with the dude.
Or how about my other co-worker who received the same exact message from me from the same exact dude? The message read: “After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know that I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the special memories. PS – You can keep the beach house in Florida. I just want the dog and my DVDs back. Sincerely, Your ex-hubby.” Oh wait – he wanted the CDs back from her, and the DVDs back from me – so, totally fucking different. The message is on my Instagram if you don't believe me: @Funygirl48
You know online dating is a joke when you scroll through the profile pictures and you realize all three dudes in that picture he’s in have all messaged me at some point. If my life goal is to not make an appearance on Hoarders where I'll die with my 37 cats, most of which are dead and flattened under my trash, I need to get the fuck out of Chicago.