Man, I’ve been MIA. I wanted to share a quick story of something that randomly happened to me:
It’s 2006. I’m a senior in high school and found myself hanging out at the “kewl” house. It was 5 or 6 guys who had graduated from my high school already and were still trying to figure out life via Pizza Hut as a delivery driver, or a car detailer at the local car wash. But, they all had one thing in common to me – they were hot. So what if the curtains were perpetually ripped and hanging from each window? Who cared that there was dog shit smeared on the ground or moldy beer in the beer pong cups? I was just excited to be kewl with the kewl kids.
There was one dude in particular that I wouldn’t even dare to talk to because he was so hot and always had some slutty girl with big, chunky highlights on his arm. His name was “Chris” and he was a babe. I think I remember speaking a sentence to him and I even fucked that up. He was tall, barrel-chested and intimidating… walked around like he owned the place. He had these lips that would turn any girl to butter. But, once I had graduated and moved on to college, I never saw or heard from him again.
Fast-forward to March 20, 2016. Going about my business here in Cincinnati. Chris was the last thing I would ever think of. Chris who? I get a Facebook message:
Chris: *Sends 3 small, flaccid dick pics in a row*
- Omg! Wrong message – I’m sorry! That’s embarrassing, I’m sorry!
Chris: Well now since you saw the other ones, would you be offended if I showed you the real thing?
Me: Somehow I feel like you need to redeem yourself.
Chris: *Sends 4 more dick pics which are much harder and look less like an elephant trunk*
- How does it compare to other dicks you’ve seen?
Me: It’s about average, but one piece of advice I can give you is stop shaving your pubes like that. The no pube thing was cute back in high school, but nobody likes that shit anymore. Also, shaving your pubes like that doesn’t make your junk look any bigger. Don’t believe the wives’ tale.
Chris: Got it.
Me: Glad we had this talk.
So, to recap… I haven’t seen this dude in over 10 years. Not even a “hey, how are you?” on Facebook. Nothing. He sends me 3 accidental dick pics that were supposed to go to another Ashley and I give him advice on how to shave his pubes to make his dick pics more appealing to women. God damnit, if this doesn’t sum up my life, I don’t know what does.