It's been three weeks that I have wiped my phone clean of all online dating portals and phone numbers of first-name only guys. I'm realizing more and more that dating had become anything but the "fun" part about life. Each date had essentially become a chore and every message became a hassle to keep up with. For those who don't know - dating (when taken seriously) has become a full-time job. There's the balancing act of plans - knowing which days will work best for a night out or which days you just want to be a slob and eat Cheez-Its on the couch when you get home from work. And honestly, towards the end there, the Cheez-Its won 9 out of the 10 times.
I've had this feeling of relief and quite honestly, freedom from the constant feeling of "I haven't responded back to that guy... should I respond? Do I really want to? Is me questioning this a sign that it won't work anyway?" I'm constantly questioning decisions that I make in my love life purely out of fear that I will get hurt again. I have basically put up this wall - I'm not just going to date someone to pass the time. Which, in some ways is true. But, because I have been single for so long, I realize that my already self-deprecating, cynical sense of humor has held me back from taking a leap of faith, even if it doesn't work out. Trust me, my sick sense of humor isn't going anywhere anytime soon, I just need to be a little more open to the idea of, I may not see the potential right away, but who knows what could happen down the road?
It's weird - for the last three or four months I've been getting this feeling in my chest. I don't even know how to explain it. As I see my friends in relationships, engagements and happy marriages, I feel the excitement I have for them. Pure joy and excitement for what lies ahead. And when I think about how happy they are, this feeling in my chest wallows up and I feel like "my time" is just around the corner. It comes and goes in waves. One week I will feel hopeful and excited and the next week, I'm watching My 600-lb Life, eating Papa John's and preparing myself for what my life will become.
I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. I love my job, I love my co-workers, I just bought a new car that I'm proud of, I'm finally paying off my credit card and managing to put some money into savings. I should be rejoicing in these huge life events. But, for me, the greatest accomplishment in life is love, and I don't think that will ever change, nor should it. My credit card doesn't touch the small of my back when I'm walking next it. My job doesn't greet me at the door when I get home from work. My car doesn't squeeze me in the kitchen while I wash the dishes. My cat comes close to doing that, but she doesn't have thumbs, so it doesn't feel the same. What I'm trying to say is, love is the what makes life worth living. And when you haven't had love in your corner for over three years, it can be a very scary thing, which is why we tend to search long and hard for it on dating apps, website, etc. But, in reality, if you take this time to get to know yourself, without a plus one, you will most likely walk out of the single game a better person than when you entered.