Hello from sunny Florida, you frozen-tundraed suckers!
This blog may be a short one because I'm here on a work trip. However, I was thinking about what I was going to write last night, and then, my old roommate Kyle sends me a peen pic & wa-la! I have my story!
Listen, I'm okay with the occasional dick pic, if it's warranted. But, we all know those dudes that overdue it with the weiner pics. And, horrific ones at that. Oh, you're going to send me a picture of your flacid weiner and expect me to want to do anything with that little Pepperidge Farm cocktail weenie? Pass.
My old roommate Kyle lived with us for, oh, I'd say about 2 months until his broke ass lost his job & had to dip out. We never hooked up- not into the whole "let's make things even more confusing and drama-filled by hooking up with my roommate" thing. Anyway- he was this 22-year old scrawny dude, covered in tattoos who literally looked like he'd never seen the light of day. Homie needed some vitamin D. But, he recently started sending me dick pics out of the blue. But he REALLY outdid himself last night when he sent me a video of him jerking his flacid weiner with this horrendous/trying to be sexual look on his face. It was legitimately scary and I almost puked on my phone. Like- unless I'm dating you, I truly don't ever want to see your weiner on my phone. Especially when I have to ask where the ranch is because your weiner looks like a little baby carrot.
But another bad one happened to my friend. She's from out of town & this dude she met one night (and didn't hook up with) sent her this god-awful picture of just his crotch-region, displayed in these like dirty ass, red, man-panties. What was the caption that he sent with this beautiful sight? "I'm red and aggressive for you!" Guys, this sentence is NEVER okay to say to anyone... Ever. I told her to call him so I could hear the voice of the red man-panty-wearer. He answers the phone like a creepy Michael Jackson who had just woken up from his little kid-infested bed. I'll give you $100 if this dude isn't on To Catch a Predator in the next 5 years.
If you're going to send a dick pic, for the love of god, please be packing heat. And if you're not, cower in the corner because you should be ashamed of yourself. Nobody wants to see that.